Loosing Track of Time

After work Beverly and I ran to our last lazer appointment (ouch!) and then I met up with Tanler to go running. I was nervous not only to hang out with him, but also to run! I am a horrible runner (cant breathe) and am not good at meeting new people!! He was super patient and just went at my pace. We only ran for a few minutes and then just ended up walking the rest of the 2 miles and talking. When we got back we sat on the curb and talked... well he mostly talked and I listened : )

It was 8PM before I knew it and my poor friend Beverly had been texting trying to make sure I was okay. I have no idea when the last time I LOST TRACK OF TIME was... seriously I just enjoyed talking/listening to this person and really didn't want to leave. It was really nice. I actually think he will be a really great friend to have in my life no matter what happens.

One of the Bad Ones

Why are all the good days followed by bad ones? ... seriously it seems like I have one good day followed by one bad day (excluding this past weekend, those were all good days). Today is a bad, bad day. I got up for boot camp and when I was getting ready I almost threw up.... so I went back to bed. I was up almost every hour last night ... I guess I have good intuition because the rest of the day I have had that same knot in my stomach and the urge to vomit... Kenny worked from the office today. I haven't talked to him in 5 days until this morning when he came over to my cubicle to say, "hi". I was really surprised to see him and even more surprised that he came over to chit chat like nothing was wrong... I couldn't say much. He asked about the weekend with Kenny Kruger and said it looked like we had a blast... I just shook my head like a dummy. I am not sure he knows I deleted him from FB yesterday. He seemed sad and uncomfortable talking to me. He made sure it was still okay that he get his stuff out of the house tomorrow. When he walked away I cried. Then I was mad I cried because I had a meeting to attend 8 minutes later! I had to pass Kenny's desk on the way to the meeting, but Bev walked with me and talked and talked trying to distract me... it didn't work. Who knew all that would be SO hard? In the beginning of the mandatory harassment prevention meeting it was all I could do not to burst into tears. After the meeting I passed by his desk again... I didn't say hi I just walked as fast as I could away.

I ran errands at lunch and nothing sounded good to eat.... my stomach was just turning. We both had to attend the mandatory meeting at 1 PM. It was weird being in the meeting, see him there... 6 feet away. Things are so different now.... The meeting was LONG (90 mins) and took its tole on me... We were finally released and I went back to my desk. I realized I had made a mistake on two files and had to track them down... ugh its so hard to concentrate on work! 

On my way home from work I cried and cried and cried. It was ridiculous. I am so tired of crying everyday and missing everyone (my dad, my grandparents, now my husband and always my cousin Kenny).

Jereme text me and asked if I wanted to go to game night with him, Mel and some of their friends. He said he could tell today was a particularly bad day for me. My cousin texted me too, just checking in on me making sure everything was okay. I had tried to leave him out of my drama for the day. He told me to text him or call him any time I wanted, but I know he sleeps during the day and I always didn't want to burden him with all my boohooing everyday. He told me twice I would never bother him and to text him any time. : ) 

I had my brother, Shannon and the boys over for Tacos (even though what I really wanted to do was just let myself listen to sad music and cry all evening). It was nice to have them over. Little Brian asked where Uncle Kenny was. I finally told him that Uncle Kenny was not going to live here anymore and he was getting his own apartment. He asked why and I gave him the simplest answer I could, 'Because he doesn't want to live here anymore with me." Little Brian said, "Oh." He was pretty sad about it, but didn't ask anything else. I was told to only answer their questions and no more so I left it alone. 

Tuesday

I have been thinking about purchasing a gun for home security, but since I don't know very much about it I solicited my buddy, Jereme to help me. 

Today at lunch we went to Shooters World. We rented a Glock G17 and Beretta 92. I liked the Glock more than the Beretta, but I shook like a leaf shooting both of them! I will need to shoot a few more guns before I decide what to buy! 

After work I went waiting in line and voted!

And since I was in the area I stopped by the community garden. I have some sprouts! I cannot remember what these are....

That evening I joined the Book Worm Buddies Book Club. My friend Dana and her buddy Kim had started the club several months before and I never had time before... funny now its the only thing on my social calender lol We read Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children this month and I thought it was a great book! We talked a little about the book, but mostly we just chatted. It was really nice to meet some new people and just enjoy the evening.

Halloween

My coworker Cori gave me this delicious Lemon Flavored Halloween cookie this morning. Made me feel special. 

I tried to get our little group to all be super heros so we could be or own group of 'Avengers' , but that didn't work out and I didn't want to spend a lot of money on a costume... so I decided to go as a Zombie. (I have been watching the Walking Dead on Netflix).

It was a strange evening. Kenny was at the house packing things in the garage when I got home from work... he wanted to chat. It was strange to me that after all the ignored text messages now he wanted to chat? I had got some buffalo wings from Fry's and we shared them while I did what I needed to and got ready to go trick or treating.

My brother picked me up and introduced me to his new girlfriend Shannon and we drove out to Blair's house to trick or treat with them.

Brian, Me, Jacob, Little Brian and Shannon

Jacob and Little Brian 

Blair's pumpkin 

Blair's neighborhood is awesome for trick or treating because people are actually there and have great displays!

It was fun to be there for Hailey's first trick or treating experience. She cried at the first house.. poor thing. The night got better for her. Blair's older kids Matt and Hannah were at their dads so it was nice for Hailey to have some big kids to trick or treat with.

Hailey and Little Brian -SO cute

Hailey 

I didn't get a good picture of Mason, but he was an adorable biker dude! 

Jacob, Little Brian, Brian and Shannon

This level is too hard...

I didn't sleep good last night. Usually (before all this) when I would wake up from a fitful night of sleep I would breath a sign of relief that I was awake and bake to my real like not whatever my dreams had been... today when I woke up and thought about my new reality, I just wanted to go back to sleep (even to the nightmares). I wanted to text Kenny, but it was 4:25 AM, so I didn't. Instead I got on my workout clothes and begrudgingly went to Boot Camp.

It was freezing. During the warm up I thought to myself, I am going to quit ... this is my last class. I hate the cold and that is enough justification, besides the fact that I can't really justify the $69 per month it costs me...

Tracy, the instructor is so cute and always inspiring. She always has something interesting to say. She doesn't really like Halloween, but she did make the workout kind of special by putting different exercises inside fake eyeballs and then we had to pick one... ie 1 min of bicycle crunches, 2 laps around the park, suicides (I drew that funny because I just hate running), 3 mins butterfly arms etc.

After class she made sure to stop me and asked if I had purchased the book she recommended. Love must be tough by Dobson and she just wanted to give me a hug. Of course the waterworks started... She shared her story how 2 years ago her husband decided he wanted out of what she thought was their happy marriage too... We talked and talked and cried. Its nice to have a friend who KNOWS the pain. Funny how people are in your life right at the right time that you need them (or they need you in other situations)....

I was feeling pretty 'up' (well compared to how I woke up anyway) and when I got home one of the girls had left a HUGE, smelly, do do on my bedroom floor.... ugh I didn't want to put them out because it was so cold so I locked them in my room (they like to sleep in anyway!)... I think it was Shelby because she was looking pretty guilty, poor girl its not her fault!

Off to work... 

GREAT Friends

I have the GREATEST Friends, seriously the best. 

Jereme and Bev took me to lunch, just to be nice. 

This afternoon I called to find out about my home loan.... As self center as I have been thinking this last few days I didn't really realize that the STORMS in New York had forced the market closed... therefore my loan could not be locked in until they reopen... crazy. 

Blair asked me if I wanted to do dinner one night this week. She asked about Monday with her kids or Tuesday without, so I said Tuesday without so we could really talk.... I had NO idea what it would take for her to make that happen... she left her house at 4:15 and drove out to her parents house so they could watch her kids, then drove back out to El Mirage to pick me up at 6:15.... I would have just said no! That really meant a lot to me that she went to all that trouble for me. We went to Arrowhead so she could exchange Hailey's Mini Mouse Costume (SOOO Cute!), went to the Halloween store for last minute items and then ate at Chilli's . We talked and talked. I am sure I am not much fun to be around right now, but she was patient and kind, listened and gave me her thoughts. I am blessed to have such great friends. She bought my dinner and took me home. She picked up Allan from work and then went to get her kids.... 4 hours of driving to spend 2 hours with me (when I needed her).

Days like today make me feel like I can be on my 'own' (not really on my own I have so much support from friends and family)... I still don't want to and I still don't want to be divorced.

Quote

My boot camp instructor sent this out today...

"It's  not what's happening to you now or whathas happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it's your decisions about
what to focus on, what things mean to you, an what you're going to do about them that will 

determine your ultimate destiny."  

- Anthony Robins

The worst day of my life...

MONDAY: 

I am not being dramatic when I say today was one of the worst days of my life. When I woke up I knew it was going to be a bad day... A few hours into my morning I found out why.

He filed.

Not just that, but he wanted to serve me TODAY. I was just so shocked. Its so fast. At first we wanted to serve me at work in front of our boss Doug (because he was a notary), but I was able to convince him to wait until after work and I would meet him at the bank in front of a notary to receive the papers.

I felt like I was going to throw up all day.

After work I drove to the bank, walked in and found him waiting. I resolved that I would be strong, but when the notary ask for my ID I started to cry. I didn't say a word. I received the papers, signed for them (shaking) and left. I didn't look back, I didn't stop to chat I just had to get to my car... I sat and bawled. I saw him drive away.... eventually I did too.

I saw our Dodge Ram right up front as I passed the Ford dealership. I cried more. 

I had been texting my cousin, Kenny throughout the day and he told me the day he got served he went to the store and bought a gallon of lemonade and enjoyed it.... 

I decided to follow suit.

I bought a big pile of lemons. 

And made the best lemonade I have ever drank. My mom came over and had a glass with me. I joked that it was a little salty (from my tears)...

Perfect Lemonade

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup sugar (can reduce to 3/4 cup)
• 1 cup water (for the simple syrup)
• 1 cup lemon juice
• 3 to 4 cups cold water (to dilute)

METHOD

1 Make simple syrup by heating the sugar and water in a small saucepan until the sugar is dissolved completely.

2 While the sugar is dissolving, use a juicer to extract the juice from 4 to 6 lemons, enough for one cup of juice.

3 Add the juice and the sugar water to a pitcher. Add 3 to 4 cups of cold water, more or less to the desired strength. Refrigerate 30 to 40 minutes. If the lemonade is a little sweet for your taste, add a little more straight lemon juice to it.

Serve with ice, sliced lemons.

Yield: Serves 6.

I decided if this was real I mind as well get working on going through the house. At least he is being very gracious with all the 'stuff' he is letting me do it on my own time and letting me have whatever I want...
Its crazy we had enough stuff for two households and even a little more for a yardsale... too much stuff!

I hate today. 

Pumpkin Painting Party

It sort of sucks doing something without Kenny that we had planned on doing together... Today was the Pumpkin Painting Party at the Brush Bar. The only thing that sort of kept me interested in going was that Kenny probably wouldn't really have wanted to be there anyway... he would have just gone to appease me...

Anyway, I went with my friend Donna. She went through a divorce about 10 years ago that took a devastating tole on her. The great thing about Donna is she loves to laugh and always makes me laugh too. We had a nice afternoon together. 

Snack table

craft bar 

We were a little disappoint to learn there would be no instruction and we had to just make our pumpkins on our own...They came out pretty cute anyway!

Our pumpkins BEFORE

Donna's Eric Cartman (from South park) 

My finished pumpkin 

Growings...

Here are some pictures of my 'growings' from the week: 

Amaryllis bulb (I haven't even planted it yet!) 

tomato bush I started from a seed 

pumpkin! (Wednesday) 

My awesome cactus I planted with my dad this summer

flowers at the community garden 

My community garden plot! Its still alive! I haven't visited in about 2 weeks. The drip system needs attention ( I am sure Kenny would fix it up, but I am not going to ask him to).

some sprouts at the community garden (I believe these are cabbage sprouts) 

Looks like my pumpkin died 

The beautiful sweet potato flowers 

The sweet potato plants should be ready to harvest any time now! That should be exciting.

Bark Box

I bought a Groupon (shocking I know) for a Bark Box! It was $30 for a 3 month membership and each month you... well your dog (s) get a package in the mail! That sounded super fun so I bought one.

They are shipped out on the 15th of the month and it arrived at my house today. 

Hope and (dirty) Shelby checking out the box 

Toby took a peak (and Shelby jumped into my face) 

Hope and her new 'stache' 

Toby just LOVED the snake! Its made of wool and does not have any squeakers or stuffing in it, so it is much safer than most toys. It was SO cute to see him so excited and puppy like about a toy! Worth EVERY PENNY! Love these dogs!

Tempe Town Lake - Hydrobikes

Another Groupon adventure..... I had two groupons for the hydrobikes at Tempe Town Lake that expire 11/07.... I asked my adventurous buddy Becky if she wanted to go. I said she could have the Groupon if she drove out there... (on a budget here remember). She said it sounded fun so we made a date. 

We ate a big breakfast at a fun place called , Butterfield's (their pancakes were good, however Kenny's are still better!) , then we headed out to the lake.... little did we know it was ASU's homecoming football game!!  Traffic was insane! Once we got to the lake it was great because there were only about 5 other boats out on the lake with us!! 

We loved the view under the bridge. 

Ducks

It was SO beautiful out! The weather was just perfect, nice breeze and peddling the hydrobikes was effortless.... going with the current!

Becky

Me

Me... I just included this picture because I didn't think it even looked like me...

cool bird nests 

Those puffs are from some sort of cannons they kept shooting off at the game - LOUD

Hydrobike

It was a fun day. I really enjoy Becky. We both have the same thirst for life and she went through a divorce recently too... I feel like I say this everyday, but again I am so thankful for friends!!