Day One

Today was my first day as a single lady in more than 13 years. I mean not officially, Kenny hasn’t even filed the paperwork yet, but once its done its done, you know?

 So you know what I did? I spent the entire day with my soon to be ex husband. It was really hard for both of us. We both had our moments… I started the day with tears in my eyes and had them there most of the day. We talked and talked. We made decisions about our finances and he took me to the bank to open my own accounts. I got my very own checking account, savings account, credit card, pre approved car loan and am working on refinancing the house into just my name. That’s A LOT to wrap your head around!! Kenny asked questions and made sure I got set up right. When the HOT bank teller found out the situation (Kenny had left to run home and get something for me) he started flirting with me! Regardless that he probably did it because I was a mess and he felt sorry for me and dating is SO far fetched in my mind at this point it still made me feel good. Kenny even noticed the flirting and mentioned it later. Weird.

We went to the cox store and turned in our box. We had SO much cable and I don’t even really like to watch TV that much so I just cancelled it all except the internet. $132 bill shrank to $42! I do need to get a digital antenna and of course Kenny is going to help set that up for me. They charged us $20 to start my new account- booo! I also realized I should have bought checks….. everyone wants one for routing information for EFT. Opps

We went to lunch, but neither of us ate much. We talked. We cried.

After lunch we went to look at cars. Kenny is giving me everything. That is amazing, however I don’t need a trailer and I don’t really enjoy driving the truck because it is just SO big I have a horrible time parking it. It’s a beast on gas and the payment was still pretty high with 12 remaining payments…. I have always wanted an SUV and for one reason or another never could have one. When we first got married of course we couldn’t afford one and then when we could we had a company car and our other vehicle needed to be able to tow our trailer…. Anyway, all that being said we went to Ford. We both love Kenny’s work car the Ford Taurus (if you haven’t seen these seriously they are not like the old Taurus!!) and Kenny had seen an advertisement for an SUV of theirs that gets 30 MPG. We looked at the cars first… although nice they just weren’t doing it for me (I could have settled for them). Once I saw the Ford Escape I REALLY wanted it. They new 2013s had only been on the lot a matter of days!!! The price was A LOT higher than I intended, but the car itself was just perfect. I test drove it (weird because I always left that to Kenny). Kenny test drove it. We both loved it an agreed it would be perfect for me. It has power, space, gas economy etc. I knew it was what I wanted. Next we had to try to get to the pricing I could afford…. They didn’t play games. Sure they low balled our first estimate for our trade ins (truck AND trailer), but they worked hard to get the numbers where they needed to be. Kenny helped me negotiate, ask questions about the car (a lot of 2 point some things and horsepower and gas economy and stuff that doesn’t really sink into my brain…)

I was super excited once the payment stuff was worked out and I started texting people… My friends and family are concerned that the payment is too high (although the payment is $70 cheaper per month than my Dodge not to mention the fuel cost savings and having a 2013 vs 2007!) and that I am moving to fast etc…. Yes I have a loan, however I am NOT upside down on this vehicle, I have some equity and I have a FULL warranty for the next 5 years. I HATE that this is happening, but I have to make decisions and move on. It was incredibly painful to TRADE IN OUR LIFE STYLE. Kenny had that truck supped up just right… we had a custom exhaust, fancy air bags to lift the rear end, a custom intake, computer, 4X10 in the rear end etc etc We had our trailer ALMOST paid off… it was HARD! We cried some more. When we left there after something like 5 hours we BOTH felt relief of not having that trailer anymore. We both had thoughts that we were so done camping (hadn’t shared those thoughts with each other!) He was very happy (and I think a little jealous) of the car I chose. I really did choose this one. I picked it and had reasons I picked it over the bigger engine (or the smaller one). I picked the color, the options etc. For once, in a long time I knew what I wanted and why. It was a right decision and the first one I made myself… not BY MYSELF but for myself. I still had Kenny there helping with his opinion and helping decipher the sales man talk, but I did this. I am proud that I could qualify for this alone on my own income and credit. That’s pretty neat. If we have to split (Still REALLY don’t want to!) at least we are both at a point in our lives that we can afford to and are going to be able to qualify to have the things we want/need. 

My brother was very concerned and wanted me to come over ASAP. He had called while I was doing the paper work. He asked, “WHAT are you doing?” I love that he cares so much. I love that he is sober and can be there for me. Its weird. He has never questioned my choice, but he really is looking out for me. I know I could have got a cheaper car. I know I could have just paid the remaining balance on the truck and kept that. I didn’t want to. I will have enough ghosts staying in the house. I went over to show my family the vehicle. Kenny didn’t go he stayed at the house and packed… He wanted to be there, but he knew as part of his decision he was going to miss out on things. I cried more. I just wish things could be different. My family loved the car (it was dark so they couldn’t see the color… they will LOVE it when they do!) The boys were all over that thing! They were super impressed that you could watch movies in there and wanted to touch every button. The climbed all over the seats and in the back hatch, it was so cute.  One more thing … my dad would have LOVED this color car… and when I purchased the car it had 50 miles on it… when I left the lot it has 55 miles on it (they gassed it up and stuff for me)…. The significance of that number is that 5 was my dad and my favorite number. Blue was his favorite color.

Mom, Brian and I stood in the drive way and talked and talked. My mom is having a hard time wrapping her head around this (me too) and just can’t understand it… My brother stood up for Kenny (so did I) and we tried to explain… My brother along with others who spend time with us saw this coming. We haven’t been in love with each other in a long time…

When I got home (alone) I noticed Kenny had left his lap top bag so I gave him a call to see how far away he was. He wasn’t far and decided he did need his computer so he came back. No matter how bad I wanted to I told myself not to ask him to stay (even just in the spare room) because I HAVE to get used to being here alone…. He asked if I ate… um no I hadn’t ate anything ALL day except my few bites at Samurai Sams earlier… He asked if I wanted to go throw away half my food with him. YES! He made sure to say we were just going to eat because we were both hungry not a date nothing more…. Boo. I let him drive MY new car. He loves new cars, electronics etc… this car is amazing and has 5 on board computers… he was in hog heaven playing with everything. We went to chick-fil-a . We talked and talked and talked. We closed down the place! Finally we were getting somewhere. Being honest about things we hadn’t touched in 2 years. It brought me some peace. Not closure. I am not ready to throw in the towel yet, but I can see a future where we are friends. That is all we have been in years. Friends. I love him. I want the best for him and I want him in my life even if its just as a friend.

He helped me set up my preset stations on my stereo (I hadn’t even thought about it!) and showed me how to turn my fog light on etc. I am so happy he did all that and even cared. I know I made the right decision about the car. Then he left.

I don’t know if it was pure exhaustion from the day or the lack of sleep the night before (I only got maybe 2 hours), but I finally had some peace. I could finally sleep.