Kenny moved out on Friday. He is staying with his mom until his apartment is available in 2 weeks. Its strange. He is actually in Vegas this week so it doesn't seem as odd...
We have been texting a lot this week, but I think I ruined it when I told him I was sure we would still work things out... he apologized for leading me on and hasn't texted me much since then.
The quote "Actions speak louder than words" is really resonating with me today... I keep telling Kenny he is important to me and I don't want him to leave, but the way I have treated him in the last year (plus) doesn't reflect those statements. I didn't make him and our relationship a priority like I should have and am paying the ultimate price.
Its really hard to think this is really over. 13 years together and its just abruptly over. I know I CAN make it on my own and I WILL, but I don't WANT to. I want to work through these issues and move on WITH him in my life... I also know things will never be the same. I want a partner, but I want someone who wants to be with me...
I never thought I would get a divorce. Never. It seems so wrong and I just want to make it work. I really KNOW that is we both wanted to work on our relationship that we could move past these issues. Two years ago when Kenny wanted to leave we agreed to work on things... and we did for a while and then it took a back burner... We both love each other and care for each other, that has never changed. We are great friends, but haven't been more than friends in a long time. This just sucks.
I got approved for my OWN home loan today. That was a huge relief because I was really nervous I would have to give up the house. Since this is happening I am thankful we are both in a place that we have good credit and wages and are able to support ourselves as individuals. I also got my first paycheck in my own account today. Weird. In addition, I got my first stack of my own bills to pay in yesterdays mail... ugh... So far nothing that has happened financially will hurt us if we get back together. I am pretty sure this will ruin all our chances at adoption though... not that that was on the table anyway.
I have my moments of weakness... I try to stay busy, but the gray cloud of depression likes to cover over me mid-day and then again at night... Its such a change. Being alone. I am thankful he is being so amazing and helping me through finance and other issues.... it could be much, much worse. Today is a really bad day...
Sometimes I think people (whom I have not told) can physically see my pain... Several people have asked me if I am okay, that I don't seem myself... one friend actually told me I look exhausted. I do have huge bags under my eyes and of course the stress has caused me to breakout. Awesome. I am sleeping better so I am not sure why the bags won't go away, but its probably because I cry all the time.
October is when everything BIG has happened for us... we started dating (we met in May 1999), we got engaged (2001), we closed on our first home (2002)... ugh... we broke up (2012).
Thursdays are bad days for my family... My grandma passed away on a Thursday, my dad passed away on a Thursday and Kenny told me he wanted a divorce on a Thursday...
But today is Friday and I am supposed to go play bunco with a friend... Dana is someone we used to play softball with thru Radiant church and she has been so sweet and including me in her book club and asking me to bunco tonight. I haven't even seen her in probably 4 years, but we stay in touch on FB. I am so lucky to have such great friends. As much as I want to just sit here and read old text messages, look at pictures and cry I am making myself get out of the house!
Update: Bunco was a lot of fun (I mean considering). This group of women are wild and crazy! The interesting thing about the group is that most of the people don't know each other! Christine posted on a city of Surprise group and called for all Bunco players... the people that were there tonight (and the last 3 months) were people who responded to that post. You could tell no one knew each other in the beginning because it was a little quiet... I thought just I was new.... it was interesting getting to know all the ladies (I didn't share much) and playing Bunco. These girls like to drink... Christine made a drink called a 'giggly pop' Its a wine cooler with vodka (I think)... it made them giggly. lol. Dana and I tied for the most wins... we rolled off and I won! I felt bad... she was upset (in a playful way). $35 !! Anyway, I am glad I went. It sure beats crying at home...
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